Meg You Will Never be 6 Again

Rolling like Gloucestershire Cheese down a hill

As some of you may know my Uncle Ken passed away.  He battled cancer for over two years and passed away May 13th, two days before my Dad's anniversary.  I am glad he is no longer in pain but its hard to imagine the world without him.  Duffy is having a Celebration of Life event in San Francisco and then we are having a memorial service here in Chicago in June.  Thanks to all of those that have sent kind words, the whole family appreciates it. 

As always happens life has a way of moving on even when we want it just to stand still for a moment so we can catch our breath.  During the past few hectic and emotionally trying weeks the last thing on my mind was a job, so of course it was during that time that I finally got one.  Yes I am headed back to the Louisiana SPCA to head up an adoption challenge for the next six months.  I will be helping the shelter compete for a grant of 125K by increasing their adoptions and being more active in the community.  I am really excited about it because it will carry me through till they, inshallah, take over the Jefferson Parish shelters and then I would transition to working there.  

I got the final word on the job just two weeks ago so things have moved really fast.  I had to pack up my entire life, find a place to live, buy a CAR, and prepare for the job because things will happen as soon as I get there.  The plan is that I will move a car load of stuff now and move the rest in a U-Haul in July.  I will be living with a fellow animal shelter colleague till Rob and PJ are ready to move into an apartment at the beginning of August.  So right now my life is all about trying to shove as much stuff into boxes as I can.  I will only be coming home for two days pretty much in July to move so I need everything ready to go now.  I am shocked by the amount of stuff I have even though I have given a ton away and even though I am only bringing two chairs and two side tables.

I bought a car knowing that I would need to transport quite a bit now but that usually I am only moving around animals.  After a bunch of research and test drives I decided on a Honda Fit.  Its small, gets great gas mileage, is a hatchback, and fit my price range with only 6k miles on it.  I love it.  I test drove a Matrix, Prius, and a Fit and decided on the Fit after going back and forth.  The seats fold completely flat which is great for dogs and stuff and its bigger on the inside than the two other cars I was looking at.  I am really happy with it!!

Next step is to pack the car and drive to St Louis on Friday.  I am breaking the trip up into two days so that I don't have to drive 15 hours straight and I get to see Rob for one last time till I don't see him at all till July.  I can't believe I am moving in 48hours!!!  I am not bringing any animals with me right now because my friend has a bunch at his house so I figured it would just cause trouble to bring more.  I am going to miss them all soo much and I might miss my family a little bit too...  Just joking, I am going to miss home a lot.  I can't believe I am going to miss the beach and the farmers markets and summer friends.  But this job is a dream and its something I have been waiting for a long time.  I am really excited to get back to work!  

So if any of you see my Mom in the coming weeks, be sure to give her a hug because she is going to miss me more than she knows and her stress level is only going to get higher throughout June.  Remember also that I am going to be changing this blog to the blogger address!!  I need to save my money and the other hosting service is free.  I will post the address again later.  Ok thanks again and hope all is well!!

Is it better to have love and lost?

How do you process the fact that tomorrow will be the last time you see someone you love?  I pose the question because right now its my reality.  I am currently in San Francisco because my Uncle Ken is dying.  I have been here for about two weeks helping him and his partner Duffy with little things around the house and trying to keep Uncle Ken's spirits up.  We knew the cancer had beaten him and we knew that it was only a matter of time.  Yesterday we had to rush him to the hospital because he was dizzy and couldn't breath well.  The doctors told us that it was his body shutting down and all we can do is call hospice and bring him home.

Have you ever dealt with Hospice before?  Sadly I am very familiar with them.  They provide palliative care and help prepare the patient and family for whats to come.  They came to the hospital today and spoke with my family.  I have no idea how they do what they do.  How do you walk into a room filled with strangers who are obviously all in pain and talk to them very calmly about death?  How do you speak to someone and ask them how they feel about the fact that modern medicine has nothing left to offer them and they are going to die very soon?  She didn't choke up or cry or anything.  I was very impressed but also shocked that a human being can be conditioned to act so unemotional about death.  

Its heartbreaking to watch Duffy lose the person he has been with for thirty years.  Its heartbreaking to watch my Uncle slip away right in front of us and not being able to do anything about it.  My sister and I are flying home Thursday which is why tomorrow will be the last time we see him most likely.  There are so many stories I want to hear but know he doesn't have the strength to tell.  I want to ask him what he thinks of the life he has led.  I wish we had more time.  I wish I didn't have to think of the last thing I will ever say to my Uncle.

Eye Twitch

I have developed an eye twitch.  This has only happened one other time in my life and that was after Katrina when my house was hit by a city water truck and then my car was hit by a drunk driver and my insurance threatened not to pay for the damage.  To sum it up Im stressed.  Im stressed about jobs Im stressed about moving Im stressed about Robs business and Im stressed about the fact that New Orleans city government is as corrupt if not more so than Nigeria's government.

Im really too young to hate this much but thats whats happening.  I hate that I feel like I have to scratch and claw my way through applications and hoops for jobs that Im very qualified for.  I hate that New Orleans city government doesn't act in a way that benefits the city and instead the people elected only act in ways that benefit themselves.  Coming from Chicago you would think that I would be used to corruption but New Orleans is making my blood boil.  

The only thing that makes me feel better right now about the state of the world is that I truly believe the world will outlast us and we humans will simply be a dark spot on its long history.  

Tricky Tricky

I consider myself a friendly person who often tries to look on the bright side of things.  So after posting my downer blog life took two unexpected turns.  One was really really bad and one that brightens my day.  The bad turn is only bad because I can be emotionally stunted at times.  Rob broke the news to me and I took it horribly and then he reacted to it horribly.  And while I was imagining how it wouldn't ever be better he showed up at my door at 7am.  He drove from St Louis to Chicago on a Tuesday at 2am because he is kinda a great guy.

So that one bad turn, which is still unresolved but I'm choosing to ignore right now, turned into spending an extra day with Rob.  I know he enjoyed it because we went to the Shedd aquarium and he got to come with me to midnights physical therapy.  Have I mentioned that my dog Midnight is now going to underwater treadmill therapy twice a week as well as having acupuncture and chiropractic adjustments.  She is our baby.

In other much more important news I have three job interviews next week!!  Two are for jobs in New Orleans and one is for a job in Baltimore.  But what made me really smile was that the Baltimore job called me and said that he remembered my resume really well because it came across with such passion.  Made me smile all day.  

In other job news I just put in an application for another New Orleans job that was 252 pages long.  Actually it was 9 pages long but they wanted 14 copies of it and because I was sending it hours before the deadline I sent two different packages to make sure that it would get there.  What on earth could be involved with such a lengthy application?  Not much.  Its a complicated situation that I will go into later (depending on the outcome) but everyone keep their fingers crossed because I really really really want this job.  So inchallah my luck is changing.....

Simple as 1 2 3

Growing up in America has instilled in me that one of the big milestones in a person's life is their first real job.  Its portrayed in movies and TV as this major step towards being an adult.  The story is always the same.  You get out of college filled with hope and ideals and you find this perfect job.  After preparing nervously for the interview and living through it, a phone call a few days later delivers the good news to which you quickly respond "I'll Take it!"  It usually doesn't pay and it never turns out to be what you hoped, but for that one moment you see yourself as an adult.

Well let me tell you its not that simple.  After completing Peace Corps I always planned on spending the summer with my family and then moving for a job in the fall.  I knew what I wanted to do but I didn't know where I wanted to do it.  I was lucky enough to be offered a job before I even began my search.  I would be back in New Orleans working with animals and I hadn't even had to apply, a dream come true.  Then reality struck.  After counting on this job for months it turned out that the salary wasn't something I was willing to accept.  I was crushed.  It was now September and I hadn't even applied anywhere else.  So I picked myself up and started applying all over the place.  

Ideally I wanted to be in an animal shelter but I knew with the economy the way it was that I needed to be more open minded.  I started applying for positions with all types of non-profit organizations.  I hadn't lost my mind or soul yet so where as I was willing to look at different non-profits I wasn't willing to work for a for profit company.  I applied to jobs everyday and perfected the art of a cover letter.  As time passed and as events unfolded I came to realize a sad reality, when one chooses to work for an ideal and not a pay check, professionalism falls by the wayside.

I am not usually comfortable making generalizations, but I stand by my statement.  I have been rejected from a job with an animal organization because I am only vegetarian and not vegan.  I have been asked to interview on a saturday only to show up and find the entire office closed and locked.  I have had to justify that my zip code shouldn't disqualify me for a position.  I was then offered the job but the phrasing wasn't so much "We would love for you to join us" as it was actually phrased "Against my better judgment I am offering you the position".  Throughout this whole process I have stayed firmly rooted in my desire to only work for an organization that I believe in.  I am lucky enough to have an amazing Mom that supports me and has never even hinted at pressuring me to "just get a job".  I know that if it weren't for her I would have had to give up my ideals a long time ago for a paycheck.

Even though this process has been hard and it has, at times, made me think that I am not as great as I think I am, the thing that saddens me the most is that I have lost faith in the people I used to aspire to be like.  Growing up I was always taught that its more important to do something that you love and believe in, than to do something because of the paycheck.  I am not so naive that I don't know this is a privileged ideal.  But even today when I know my bank account and organic food addiction will suffer, I can't even imagine working for something I don't truly and deeply believe in.  I miss work.  I miss the long hours, the endless amount of work, the chaos, the stress, and even the knowledge that once you get home the work doesn't really stop.  I can't wait to get back in the thick of it but right now that looks like an unattainable goal because of the unprofessionalism that stands in my way.

I have had executive directors call me on my cell phone five minutes after I have emailed them my resume begging for me to come down as soon as possible.  Then when I have tired to find out more information about the job they have admitted they don't really understand their own organizations hiring process and have no idea when the job they wanted me for will be available.  Recently I contacted the HR person for a job that I was over qualified for, to see why they hadn't contacted me in over a month.  They responded by saying that they didn't receive requested information from me and thus didn't consider me an applicant.  The beauty of email is that you can clearly trace its history and when I scrolled down one email I clearly saw the attached requested information.  I pointed this out and that they had received in two months prior so then they changed the reason to being that they hadn't received proof that I graduated from college.  I then provided them with electronic proof that they had also received that two months prior and then they stopped responding to my emails.  The lack of communication and organization I have encountered makes me surprised any non-profit gets anything done.  

This job search has been a learning experience good and bad.  I have learned how to negotiate as well as professionally express my desires and my qualifications.  I have learned a lot about how non-profits work and what kind of environment I succeed in.  I have also learned that even if the job description is ideal the people you work with can make it hell.  I was lucky enough to work for a non-profit that employed amazing people that inspired me and pushed me every day.  Even as I type this rant I know my generalization cannot hold true because the people I know well in the non-profit world do an amazing job.  As I have pushed through this its been the people close to me that have told me my struggles are not in vain.  My former boss Laura Maloney has been a beacon of hope.  She has put up with constant emails from me as well as providing references and general support.  I can't thank her enough for all that she has done for me.  My friends and family have put up with my constant stress and endless stories that all contain the theme "I must be the crazy one because its impossible that everyone I encounter is this crazy".  Poor Rob, every time something goes wrong, he takes it harder than I do.

I wish I could end this long post in a nice little bow by saying that the struggle paid off and I am employed, but thats the american fairy tale and not my current reality.  Instead I end with an email I sent to an organization who has failed to breakthrough the non-profit stereotype of incompetence.  

Dear Ms X,

I am emailing you to express my distress with how things have

progressed since I met with you in December.  I flew out to your

office not once but twice for interviews and was prompt with all

information you requested of me.  I followed up with you when I didn't

hear any news a month after our meeting and you responded by saying that you would get back to me asap.  It is now the middle of

March and I still haven't heard from you.  I believe that after 3

interviews with your organization I deserve the courtesy of hearing

the final word on the selection process no matter the outcome for me

personally.  I believe I have conducted myself in a professional

manner and I would have hoped for similar professionalism from your

organization.  I am sure you have selected a very well qualified

individual for the position and I wish you organization all the best

in its future endeavors.  Meg

Whenever I do get a job I promise I will not let the number on my paycheck determine my level of dedication and professionalism.  Now I just need the job....

Moving

So for the few that have checked in on this blog as of late I wanted to tell everyone that I am moving the blog.  Typepad has been great but I just don't need it as much as when I was in Senegal.  I'm moving the blog to 

http://neverbe6again.blogspot.com/

It will have all the old posts and comments and when i figure out the photo thing it will have those as well.  So thanks again and when i get more in the mood I will blog more often I promise!!

Paradise

 When I was in Peace Corps training I remember a volunteer coming and talking to us about how she deals with living in a village.  I don’t remember much of the talk but I do remember her saying “If someone asks me to go somewhere with them or do something with them, I always try to go because what I have planned can always be done at a later time.”  I remember thinking how odd an outlook that had to have been and how it sounded like my worst nightmare.  I like planning things and I get easily stressed if my plans have to be changed at the last moment.  Never the less I tried my best to work her outlook on life into my service.

 Now since I have been back I have found that motto amazing to live by.  I’m not saying that I throw everything out the window the second someone suggests plans to me or that I say yes to every invitation.  I have just learned to be more open minded to spontaneous plans.  I guess it helps that I am unemployed and like to travel?  Well that’s a whole other story.

 So as some of you might know I am in Hawaii right now.  I know I know I lead a hard life.  I wasn’t planning on coming back here so soon but the cards just fell into place.  You see my very good friend Emily from New Orleans needed a dog sitter for her neurotic dog and she didn’t know anyone in Hawaii that she trusted enough to leave him with for a week.  She knows my status of constant travel so she asked me if I would be willing to come and watch him for a week while she was away.  Of course I leap at the chance.  Trap Jack is a great dog even though he has issues, like licking his skin off, and I wasn’t about to go and pass up a trip to Hawaii when I’m not tied down to a job.  Lucky for me I have a Mom that supports me in my wanderlust because she knows how precious this time is and that this kind of freedom will not come around again in the near future.  Dog sitting is why I came and the perfection is why I’m staying.  When I mentioned to Rob that I would be going to Hawaii again I asked him to come because he had never been and anything is better than St Louis in the winter.  He said no right away like I knew he would but then magically a few weeks later he changed his mind.  So now instead of staying for a little over a week I’m going to be staying two weeks to hang out with Rob and introduce him to all that is wonderful about whale season.  

Rob is getting here on Saturday the same day that Emily gets back so for right now I’m by myself with TJ.  But since Emily is a great friend she introduced me to a couple of her friends before leaving so I would have people to hang out with and drive me around.  Oh forgot that part of the story!  Emily has a car that she offered as part of the dog sitting package deal.  I could stay at her place, eat her food, and use her car.  The only catch is that her car is a stick.  I don’t know how to drive stick.  The first day I was here was also the day she was leaving.  She gave me a three-hour lesson on how to drive stick and I can say that I now understand the basics and have driven it around quite a bit.  That being said I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving it anywhere near other cars, people, animals, or even curvy roads.   So the idea that I would have to deal with this car that I can barely drive was kind of terrifying.  Lucky for me two of her friends that I am friends with live right up the road with plenty of parking and they can drive stick.  So we left the car there and Emily can get it when she gets back. 

 The only thing this means is that I don’t have a car right now.  Totally not a big deal.  Emily lives right by the beach and food and a mall so I could live here for a while without needing a car. 

 This whole trip came about because Emily asked me to come and now I feel like all my activities here are coming about the same way.  When I knew that I would be here in December I knew I wanted to go see some surf competitions on the north shore.  I’m never here at this time of year and if we are we are usually on Maui.  Well upon hearing this Emily called her friend Abdulla and asked him if he was going to the north shore.  Turns out the next day there was the possibility of this huge competition that has only been held 7 times in the last 25 years because the conditions need to be perfect.  It’s called the Eddie Aikau and it happens in Waimea Bay.  Abdulla said that they were going to head out there at 3am the next day and if I wanted to come with he would pick me up.  It took me about a minute to decide that this was an amazing opportunity.  So the next day I waited on a dark street corner to be picked up by a guy I had never met to go to an epic surf invitational.   

 Words can’t even describe how much fun I had.  We drove for about an hour and then another hour to find parking.  We had to walk about a mile and a half to the beach and then wait there on the sand in the dark for the officials to decide if the contest was on or off.  Have you ever wondered what about 2,000 white middle class boys from California look like?  Well now I know.  We sat watching these amazing waves in the moonlight and the sun rose over the mountains behind us.  Everyone was crossing their fingers that the waves would be big and clean so that the Eddie would be a go.  The waves have to be at least 20ft and the break has to be clean for the contest to be a go.  That’s why there have only been 7 of them before.  As the sun rose 20 or so surfers went out to check the break and give their input on if it should be a go or not.  We all held our breath. 

 Only about 28 surfers are invited to this contest and NO GIRLS!  Kind of crazy and sad.  But as soon as the contest was a go the waves went crazy.  Abdulla had a much better camera than I did so he was in charge of all the wave pics.  I will post them as soon as I get them.  For me the best part of the contest was watching Kelly Slater (who is like my huge celebrity crush) charge this 30ft face and surf three breaks all the way to the beach and score a 98 out of 100.  It was the craziest thing I have ever seen.  We stayed through about three heats and then hit the slow road home because some of the people we were with needed to go to class.  Oh can I just say that no one in Oahu went to work or school that morning?  The entire island stopped to watch this event. 

  Anyways so the group I was with was awesome.  We went out to late breakfast because we had all been up since 3am and then drove around the east coast of the island because the traffic was sooo bad going west.  I had such a great time and the people I was with couldn’t have been cooler.  Its funny how when you do cool things you meet cool people…

 I knew Emily’s friend Hiro before but this was the first time I met his roommate Al.  Turns out that Al is all about bringing me around the island.  Last night he invited me to go Polynesian rowing with him.  It was amazing.  He is part of a club that actually competes but they let newbies come along for the ride anytime they want.  There were sooo many people there and Al left me to go with the more experienced group.  So I was with 12 people I didn’t know paddling a canoe down a dark canal under the stars.  It was kinda perfect.  We went about 2 miles to the bay and then came back.  It was hard but I had a blast.  Met a ton of cool people and did something I had never tried before. 

 So in summation of this really long post I’m having a great time and meeting a ton of cool people.  I will post more when Rob gets here on Saturday!  

Law of Perpetuities

Have any of you wondered what it would be like to have 600 people walk through your house?  Well let me tell you it was an experience I will never forget.  We have been preparing our house for the Michiana Humane Society house tour for the past few months.  It has involved more work than we ever thought.  Some of the things that we did had to be done for the house such as new granite for the bar in the basement as well as a beautiful new  built in entertainment system.  Then there were the extras such as temporary railings up the front of the house as well as christmas decorations in every room.  I can honestly say that this tour was exhausting.  We have been working nonstop with the help of many friends and family for so long that I can't remember not saying the phrase "Well we need it finished for the home tour...".  

Its over now and we have been sleeping all day.  It turned out great.  The house looks amazing and I think people really enjoyed themselves.  I had to give tours all saturday and sunday from about 11am till 5pm.  I can't really put into words how odd it is to take 600 people through your bedroom as a museum exhibit.  I talked about my Peace Corps service a lot as well as all the animal rescues that I have been involved in.  I even met a woman who had been to Senegal many times and knew a little Wolof.  I'm glad its over and I'm glad my whole family is in agreement that we will never do anything like this again.  My mom keeps saying that this is why they have the law of perpetuities.  I will never do a home tour and I will warn my children about the danger of doing one,  thus they will never do one and they will pass on the stories to their children.  Our house looks like Christmas threw up and their is a Santa Claus in the shower.  We have no idea where things like spices or toothbrushes are and the dogs can't find any of their toys.  Midnight especially hates it because the furniture is moved around and she doesn't know her way around any more.  

We had to send the dogs to chicago for the tour because the Humane Society didn't want them in the house for the tour.  It was so sad waking up without a wet nose in my face.  They are back now though and my room was the animal room so they have new toys under the tree in my room.  Martha and Pape are having a blast with their new squeaky toys.  This tour has taken the best out of all of us.  I learned that my Uncle is amazing at cleaning outdoor areas because he uses the time to think of smart remarks to say to me.  My godmother Jan should give up her law career to be a decorator because she is amazing.  She put together these garlands that everyone gasped at.  My other uncle duffy can put together a floral arrangement with the best of them and all our friends and family can clean with the best of them.  One day when my sister and I were hauling hundreds of  pounds of dirt to the roof she dropped her bag and exclaimed "Stupid animals!  If they would just stop having sex we wouldn't have to do any of this!"  And I can honestly say that if it weren't for the animals we would never have agreed to do this.  But since Mom says she will go nuts if we bring any more pets home, we have to help in this way.  So I can honestly say never again, but at least it was for a good cause! 

My Mom is more popular....

I have come to the sad realization that both my sister and my mom have busier social lives than I do.  Not quite sure why this has happened but at least Im at the point where I can accept it.  My lack of enthusiasm for drinking and preference to wear socks instead of tights has placed me in the position of spending more time at home than out with friends.  My friends in Chicago are all doing their own things with school or work or just ignoring me (u know who you are!) and with my best friend in St Louis my social life is a bit on the boring side.  I met Lizzy's boyfriend for the first time today.  He was nice but Pape didn't seem to notice because he tried to bite him anyways.  I really need to take a How-to-Train-dogs class.  He is such a good babe with us but then  you introduce someone else in the house or an animal and its like he is fighting to prove his masculinity.  Poor babe has some issues.  He is being sent to boot camp which I don't agree with but he isn't my dog and something needs to be done so that I can have Rob come over without leaving with bruises.  

The upside to all of this is that I have a lot of time on my hands to 1)apply for jobs 2)cook all the food I dreampt about in Peace Corps and 3)fantasize about craft projects I never had the time or energy to do.  I have put together great ideas for everyone's christmas presents and I am almost done with my Senegal scrapbook.  Its coming along slowly but I think it's going to be awesome.  I am going to try my hand at quilting some of the amazing fabric I brought back with me from Senegal.  And I am going to try my best to stay out of the way of the Christmas mayhem that is swallowing my beach house whole.  There are Christmas trees up and themes discussed as flowers are drying in the dinning room and my mom tells me that all my kitchen stuff has to go before the tour.  How can kitchen stuff clash with Christmas?  I mean don't you cook for Christmas?  

I have been trying out a lot of recipes as of late because I have the time.  Lizzy has decided that I make a mean Kale salad and she didn't turn her nose up at my burritos either.  I made Kale chips today but Im not a fan.  i like my greens to taste like greens and not really thin chips.  Tonight Im making marinated tofu for sandwiches.  Talking about food brings me to a very sad point.  Today was the last day of the farmers market.  It officially ends next week but I will be in St Louis next weekend so this was the last weekend for me.  I saw almost all my vendors and got my last cup of coffee.  Everyone said goodbye to Martha and I bought as much as I could carry.  Im not gonna lie, I teared up a bit driving away for the last time.  My friends invited me to their farms and I might take them up on it.  My friend Abby has miniature horses and if my family needs eggs or chickens I can get them from her.  It was sad saying goodbye to the face of my food.  I have about 20lbs of squash to make my way through but thats only going to last me so long.  My fruit people gave me free apples and most gave Martha treats to say goodbye.  My saturday mornings are going to be so boring.  

Well Im gonna go check on my tofu.  Its the 30th anniversary for the movie Alien so i have a pretty packed night...  

What a great guy...

I had a minor life freak out last night.  It has been coming for awhile but then I went to a family party where it was plainly explained to me that at this ripe old age of mine I have two choices, become a stripper and earn a decent living or get married.  I know my family reads this blog so Im sure they can all figure out that who pointed out these facts to me and that I didn't really take them seriously because I take nothing he says seriously.  But then that combined with copious hours of Gilmore Girls (its a phase) and pms made for a very interesting night.  

As Im freaking out I call Rob to try to explain everything in my head and hear some sane hormone free advice.  He really does make me feel better after I talk to him even though I had posted earlier that no one really makes me feel better.  He makes me laugh and realize how ridiculous it is that I think I am un datable.  I mean have you guys seen me lately?  I know the tan is fading but still... Just joking Rob just loves to see evidence of how much I love myself.  Anyways so I was freaking out about being old and not having a job and being un datable and to top it off TV gets me really upset.  My sister and I are known to change channels during uncomfortable scenes in movies or TV shows.  We only watch episodes that have good endings because we really don't see a reason to add more drama or tension to our lives.  I only watch certain seasons of shows because I like the main couple to be together and if they aren't it makes me uncomfortable.  Moving on, everyone has had to deal with the fact that i get seriously upset over these shows and last night Rob had to deal with the whole set.  i give him props for putting up with me talking a mile a minute and groaning for no reason for about 2hours about things that didn't really matter.  Today he was bored and he wrote me this lovely poem to remember the night by.  I can't censor it otherwise the rhyming would be off so if this is for a class please read first before sharing...

Last Night by Rob

Meg, I was thinking a lot about last night and thought the words i need to say would best be expressed by writing them

A Sunday night, like many other; I was catching up with my parents,sister, and brother
I put the phone down, exhausted from the talks; took a break, took a walk
In my absence, my phone was a humming; little did I know a princess was a calling
One, two, three, FOUR calls missed!; something was wrong, something amiss!
I dialed the phone as fast as lightning; so scared my chest was tightening

"What's the matter", I asked in an anxious tone; "Its PMS" she replied with a groan
Stunned, like a deer in a spotlight; I wanted to run, but it wouldn't have been polite
All I could mutter was a meek "oh my"; then she began a discourse on Luke and Loerlai
Of Gilmore Girls I am not a fan; I needed to stop this, I needed a plan
My mind raced with fury, but to no avail; she was one step ahead, I was doomed to fail

Spared the night before, there was no hope for me; she was set to let her emotions run free
Amped up on God knows what; I sat back as she spilled her guts
What ensued was somewhat of a blur; at one point I mistakenly asked "why does PMS occur?"
The question haunts me to this day; why would I open Pandora's box, what would other men say?
No subject off limits, no stone unturned; I was about to be schooled, I was about to be learned

Trips to the gyno, not often talked over; left my hands clammy, my head sinking lower
Her boobs had been changing, not statically sized; my heart slowed as my right side slowly died
The thong was uncomfortable, riding too high; the previously sexy garment made me want to cry
"Where is my man?" she began to whine; I took out the noose and started to climb
Saved! Her feelings became "opaque" & couldn't be described; I hadn't won the battle, but I had survived

The onslaught was over and we said our goodbyes; I was all too happy to finally close my eyes
But I couldn't sleep, something was awry; isn't there usually something resting on my thigh?
I sat up with a jolt, where is my manhood?, something is wrong; am I too wearing a thong?
I fumbled in my pants and to my dismay; my wiener had turned into a va-jay-jay
Out of the friend zone I was kicked; the princess had effectively made me a chick